Looking ahead...

I've been thinking a lot about the places I still want to go in my life. As I'm thinking about this, and about Italy as usual, I suddenly feel kind of...afraid.

The first time I traveled, after all, was ideal in so many ways because I had no real expectations or reasons to be afraid. I was nervous, sure, but at the same time, the fact that I was doing something totally new and brave gave me confidence. I boarded that first flight to Italy with unusual courage, and now, I wonder if I've lost it.

To be honest, just the thought of going on a family vacation out of the country makes me kind of scared. For whatever reason, where I once saw adventure and the thrill of a challenge, I now see anxiety and fear of disappointment.

But the thought of never traveling again makes me feel claustrophobic, like I'm running out of time. Because really, I do want to go to other places. I want to go to:

*Morocco

*France

*Wales (to trace my ancestors on my dad's side!)

*Israel

*Italy (of course)

*China, a la Paul Theroux in "Riding the Iron Rooster: by Train through China"

Also, I have to say that lately this desire to travel is even more urgent because I haven't been well. And the thought of illness dictating when and where I can go makes me feel claustrophobic all over again. Recently I found out I have a sleep disorder that has become pretty debilitating. I really want things to just go back to the way they were before, when I was in Italy. It's no coincidence that that was also the healthiest I've ever been. No wonder I want to go back.

Have you ever felt like all of a sudden, for whatever reason, the clock is ticking? That it's now or never if you want to change your life?

Sitting here in my house near midnight, it seems impossible that I could ever be in any of those great places I want to see. I can't believe my sleep disorder has affected so many areas of my life. Mostly, I'm afraid that I'M not the person I was before--namely, someone who could pack up and move off in search of adventure at a moment's notice.

I'm sending this out tonight into the blogosphere hoping that we'll all get to where we want to be--me, you, whoever you are--and that when we get there, it'll be even better than we imagined. Safe travels no matter where life takes you,

Caitlin